How Guys Can Win At Online Dating
- noblemasculine
- Aug 5
- 3 min read
How Guys Can Win at Online Dating
This past weekend, my wife’s cousin was talking to her about a new online dating strategy called the Burned Haystack Dating Method which was created by Dr Jennie Young (@word_case_scenario). I researched her method and was so impressed with the clarity and intention that she brought to the process, that I felt inspired to riff off of her recommendations to create a guide for men looking online for connection and relationship.
Before I get into these suggestions, there are two disclaimers…
First, if you are using dating apps for hook-ups and are not interested in deeper connections and relationships, don’t waste your time reading this piece.
Secondly, I have never used a dating app myself, but maybe that is why my perspectives have some value. These perspectives reflect important interpersonal skills that pre-date the internet, but are still essential in getting to know others.
Some of the Burned Haystack suggestions are universal and apply to everyone using dating apps.
Use dating apps as a tool. Turn off notifications and set up some agreements for yourself to only get on the app twice/day maximum, and for short periods of time.
If there is a profile that you are really NOT interested in, then block the person rather than swiping left. Blocking invites you to be clear on what you don’t want, and thus provides clarity to the algorithm, so you see more profiles that are a better fit.
The rest of the suggestions are complementary reflections for men based on the rules that Dr. Young created for women.
Read the entire profile before swiping right. The photos tell part of the story, but dig deeper into the story by also reading the text. There are bonus points awarded for this investment of time. See suggestion #10.
Be respectful, curious and genuinely supportive. Don’t try to pick fights, argue, or push your agenda/perspective on the person you are trying to get to know. Aggressive, hostile, or sexually suggestive comments will get you blocked (as they should!).
Pay attention to the little details reflected in your grammar and spelling as they are cues to your level of attentiveness in other areas of your life.
Don’t use AI to write your responses. Learning how to interact with curiosity and attentiveness are the skills that will support you in deepening connection. AI might get you to the first meeting, but then what are you going to do when you meet in person and need to improvise in real-time? The only way to get better at focusing on another person and working to connect is to practice!
Avoid generic responses like “Hope you are having a good day!” They don’t offer much opportunity to deepen or forward the conversation.
Instead, ask questions that extend the conversation in some way. “How is your day going?” Better yet, ask questions based on something specific from their profile. Curiosity and genuine interest in learning more about the other person will serve you well!
If you are going to comment on a photo, do not comment on the person's appearance. Instead, find something about the photo that you connect with and comment or ask a question about that. “The photo of you in Bali is amazing! What did you like most about Bali?”
Making sincere, humorous, or interesting comments, and/or asking questions based on the text of the profile (and not just the photos) show that you are paying attention to the entire profile to get a better sense of who the person is. This shows interest, care and curiosity which are important for building trust and connection.
As you are moving towards meeting in person, be prepared to take the lead on planning an initial meeting. Use what you know about the intersections of the other person’s interests and your own to choose something that you can both enjoy, and which will give you a chance to get to know each other better. Don’t passively wait for the other person to do all the planning.
Connecting and communicating in these ways may be different than how you have historically engaged in online dating. It may require you to adjust the way that you engage online, and may take a bit of practice, but if you are a man looking to create a meaningful connection online, following these guidelines will dramatically increase your odds of success.
Let me know what you think, and if you have other suggestions about how men can more effectively connect on dating apps.
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